RATING: PG-13 for some violence and a lot of BLEEPs. Also slight, tastefully blurred nudity.
STORY/SUMMARY: Angel tries to settle his differences with his son in an unusual way. Angel/Jerry Springer Crossover
PAIRINGS: Angel/Darla. Cordy/Groo.
DISCLAIMER: Angel and co. belong to Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt, mighty gods of television. The Jerry Springer Shows belongs to Jerry Springer and who knows who else. No copyright infringement intended.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first, please. I never say no. (To this, anyway)
FEEDBACK: Like chocolate, you can never have enough. ;-)
DEDICATED: To Jade, for the challenge, and Lawren and Jo for the comments.
JERRY: Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show. Todayís topic is: *My Son came back from an evil dimension and now wants to kill me!* Letís meet Angel.
(Camera focus on Angel, brooding on a chair. His caption reads: *Being chased to death by long lost son*)
JERRY: Welcome, Angel. Why donít you tell us your story?
ANGEL: Well, Jerry. I know vampires canít have children, but I did, a boy named Connor. And it was a wonderful experience, while it lasted. Because then my best friend kidnapped the baby thinking I was going to kill him, and then my worst enemy, Holzt, jumped through a portal with Connor!
JERRY: But he came back.
ANGEL: (nodding) After a few months, yeah, but as a teenager bent on killing me! I think heís got trust issues.
JERRY: Only one way to find out. Letís bring Connor!
(Connor comes in, eyeing the audience suspiciously. Angel smiles at him. The boy ignores him and takes a seat. ConnorĎs caption reads: *Raised by AngelĎs worst enemy to hate his own father*)
JERRY: So, Con....
CONNOR: (Corrects him) Steven. Steve Holzt.
JERRY: Steven. Your father (points at Angel) says you want to kill him. Is that true?
CONNOR/STEVEN: Because heís an BLEEP evil BLEEP vampire BLEEP BLEEP that BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP my fatherís family!
ANGEL: Watch your mouth, young man! AND FOR THE 100TH TIME, HOLZT IS *NOT* YOUR FATHER! That BLEEP bastard took you away from me when you were a baby!
CONNOR/STEVEN: Well, you did BLEEP BLEEP and then BLEEP his own family! Thatís it, youíre dust!
(He pulls a stake out and lunges at Angel. Angel kicks the stake out of Connor/Stevenís hand and fights back. A few burly guards try to separate them to no avail. Finally a robbed figure with the word SECURITY written across the back raises a crystal and mutters a few words. Invisible energy places both men on their seats)
JERRY: (Calmly) Now letís meet the man whose family Angel killed in his evil days. The same man who kidnapped infant Connor/Steven: Daniel Holtz!
(A *very* old Holzt comes in, booed by the audience. No kidding people, is like he grew 1000 years older. He ignores them and sits next to Connor/Steven, patting his back. The boy smiles at him. Angel does not look happy. HolztĎs caption reads: *Nemesis turned adoptive father*)
JERRY: Holzt, you raised young Connor/Steven here to kill Angel. Would you tell the audience why?
HOLTZ: (Who, despite the years, still has a hint of his sexy voice) Angelus and his lover, Darla, killed my wife and newborn child, and then turned my little daughter into a vampire. I think is only fair that I take their child.
(Part of the audience agrees)
ANGEL: How many times do I have to repeat it? I was evil at the time!
HOLZT: Apologies wonít bring my family back.
CONNOR/STEVEN: You still got *me*, Dad.
(They hug, The audience awwws. Angel looks more depressed by the minute.)
JERRY: Feeling the hate, Angel?
ANGEL: Shut up. (To himself) This is Wesleyís fault. If he...
JERRY: Why donít you tell him yourself? Bring Wesley along!
(Wesley comes in, full rogue demon hunter attired, beard and a broody expression to compete with Angelís. Wesleyís caption reads: *Bastard who kidnapped Connor/Steven and gave him to Angelís enemies.* The audience boos him.)
(Suddenly Angel jumps out of his seat and tries to attack Wesley. Once again, the security hooded figure does its work.)
JERRY: Wesley, would you like to tell your side of the story?
WESLEY: It all started with this prophecy...
ANGEL: *Fake* prophecy.
WESLEY: (Ignoring Angel) ... that said that Angel would kill his own child. I didnít believe it at first, of course. So I went to the Noa...
JERRY: And we got it on tape! Letís see the clip.
(The Springer-Cam shows Wesleyís encounter with the Noa. When is over, Angelís jaw is two inches away from the floor.)
ANGEL: Let me get this straight: you kidnapped Connor, gave him to Holzt, and didnít say anything to us because a BLEEP giant burger told you? What kind of BLEEP BLEEP idiot are you?
WESLEY: (Still calmed) I did what I thought was right at the moment. And I paid the price: Lost my friends, my job, almost bleed to death. And you wouldnít listen to my side of the story!
ANGEL: *Your* side? You left without a word, or a note explaining yourself, you hurt Lorne, and that *after* you were seeing Holzt behind our backs!
WESLEY: (Calmed) I didnít expect you to understand.
ANGEL: (After a pause) Wow. Sitting that long with a stick up your BLEEP must really hurt.
WESLEY: (Offended) Now wait a...
ANGEL: Shut up, Wesley! Your little I-save-the-day fantasy sucked big time! Just look at the consequences.
(He points toward Connor/Steven and Holzt. Wesley doesnít say anything.)
ANGEL: (Shaking his head) Like talking to a BLEEP brick wall.
JERRY: Time for a commercial break.
(Acuview: The unbreakable glasses. Clark Kentís choice.)
(Back to the show. Angel keeps wanting to jump out of his seat and rip Holzt apart. Connor/Steven is examining a plastic plant with a lot of interest)
JERRY: Letís bring in our next guests. (To Holzt). The demon who brought you to this time has gone thought a few changes since you left.
JERRY: Among other things, heís now corporeal. Letís bring in Sanhjan!
(Justine comes in, carrying the urn. She places it on the floor and punches Holzt in the face)
JUSTINE: You BLEEP jerk! You left me to watch over all of those minions by myself! Do you know how hard is to control rogue vampire hunters by myself! I hate you!
HOLZT: (rubbing his nose, confused.) What are you talking about?
(Justine goes on telling him how much he hates him as five guards take her to a seat. Most of her dialogue is drowned in bleeps. Justineís caption reads: *Holztís Pupil/Girlfriend.*)
HOLZT: Now, wait a minute... You thought we were...? Are you out of your BLEEP mind?
JUSTINE: Sadly, I was. I was stupid enough to believe it was love, in a sick, twisted way.
CONNOR/STEVEN: I was in love once. She died.
ANGEL: (Sighting) You met her for like, an hour.
CONNOR/STEVE: What do you know about love?
ANGEL: Obviously more than he (points to Holzt) does.
CONNOR/STEVEN: My father loves me.
ANGEL: I *am* your father!
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Shrugs) Whatever.
ANGEL: Donít use that tone with me! Iím also your elder.
CONNOR/STEVEN: That goes without saying.
ANGEL: (To Holzt) You could at least taught him good manners.
HOLZT: I raised him with very high standards.
ANGEL: I guess teaching how to take a bus wasnít part of your standards.
HOLZT: I taught him the important things in life: honor, bravery, fighting skills...
ANGEL: And those clothes? Cordelia would wrinkle her nose at that (points at Connor/Steven's Atreyu outfit), and who can say I blame her? He looks like Peter Pan!
CONNOR/STEVEN: Peter who?
HOLZT: Amusing comments, Angelus. In fact, one might think your exaggerate taste for fine clothing brings along another kind of masculine taste (grins).
ANGEL: (Rolling his eyes) Please! Unlike you, I have good taste in clothing. If I was gay, Iíd sleep with you! (Frowns) That didnít come out right...
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Looking at Justine) Whoís Peter Fan?
JUSTINE: Peter Pan. Flying kid who wore tights and fought an one-hand pirate.
CONNOR?STEVEN: (Confused) I donít get it. I donít flight, I donít know any Pirates and what are tights? And is Angel gay, whatever that means?
JUSTINE: (Eyeing angel up and down, suspictiosly.) Well...
JERRY: Why donít we ask our audience what they think so far.
(Jerry approaches a woman)
WOMAN: Marge Black from Miami, Florida. My question is for the guy wearing black.
JERRY: Which one?
MARGE: The dead one.
MARGE: That one! Angel, the old guy took your boy away and you didnít have the BLEEP to go after him and get your kid back? I think maybe you donít care about him after all!
(The audience agrees.)
ANGEL: Well, is not like Holzt took him to a ranch in Oklahoma! The Quor-tog is not easy to open, and boy did I try! Ask my employees. I even summoned great forces of darkness, causing my place to be infested by slug like demons, which took over one of my friends.
WESLEY: *Your* employees?
ANGEL: You think they were going to keep you as the boss after this?
(Cordy, Fred, Gunn, Groo and Lorne come in and take their seats.)
JERRY: Welcome guys. now, whoís gonna speak first?
(They all look at Cordy. she sights. Her caption says: *Half-demon seer torn between two hot warriors*)
CORDY: Now donít get us wrong, Jerry. Before this, we had Wesley in a very high place. Now we keep him there mostly so Angel canít kill him. The thing is, he betray us, and Connor was lost because of him. And that is not easy to forget.
ANGEL: More like impossible.
GUNN: Angel, please. He did save Fred (Gunn and Fred shared a caption It reads: *Vampire hunter since childhood. Girl trapped five years in an alternate dimension. Most normal couple around*.)
ANGEL: Iím still not in good terms with him.
WESLEY: Not that I care. I got quite a few job offers.
ANGEL: Hope none of your coworkers has any kids.
(Before Wesley can bleep, a member of the audience raises his hand. Jerry moves towards him and the guy stands up.)
GUY: Pete March. Salt Lake City, Utah. My question is for the blonde. What do you see in this BLEEP freak show? Youíre a hoot, and you should get some normal friends.
(Groo stands up. his caption reads: *Brave, Undefeated, and Yummy!*)
GROO: How dare you insult my princess? (Takes a step forward) I shall kill you, dance over your body and hand your head to her as a gift!
(Cordy puts a hand on his arm, trying to calm him down before Security has to intervene. Groo finally sits down, kissing Cordeliaís hand)
LORNE: (Whose caption reads: *Lounge-singing anagogic demon. Formerly Connor/Stevenís babysitter*) Calm down, sweet buns. Plenty of really bad demons out there for you to start fighting the sleazy white trash.
PETE: Shut the BLEEP up, you freak!
(He keeps on bleeping until security takes him away. Jerry ask for more commercials)
(Orange wood crates. The furniture dream of every redneck)
(Back from commercials. Theyíre all more or less calmed down. Until...)
CONNOR/STEVEN: The fat man had a point. You guys are weird.
ANGEL: Theyíre my friends. and I care about them.
CONNOR/STEVEN: You do?
(Angel nods. Connor/Steven stands up and goes after Cordelia. Angel and Groo block him until Supernatural Security intervenes)
CONNOR/STEVEN: (As he struggles with his invisible restrains) This is what you BLEEP deserve! Seeing the ones you love BLEEP and BLEEP. Like you did to my fatherís wife, when you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP and then finally BLEEP her!
HOLZT: (Red angry at the memory) That will be enough, Steven!
JERRY: Time to bring in your next guest!
ANGEL: (Assuming a fighting stance) Sanhjan?
JERRY: Not yet. The mother of your child.
JERRY: Thatís right. A little ritual here, a little spell there, and we brought Darla back from the ashes_ again!
(On the screen they can see Darla , looking around. Sheís dressed _ sorry, male fans_ in her signature red and black. She looks really good, almost supermodel pretty.)
JERRY: Sheís locked in a special sound-proof cabin...
DARLA: (Scoffing) What part of *vampires have Ďreallyí good hearing* you BLEEP people donít understand?
JERRY: ... heavily guarded.
ANGEL: As Cordy might point out, better safe than cocktail.
CONNOR/STEVEN: Cocktail? As in the tail of a...
DARLA: Whoís that?
CONNOR/STEVEN: Iím Steven Holzt.
(Darla looks confused)
ANGEL: Holzt kidnapped him and raised him like his own child. Heís actually our son, Connor.
DARLA: (Even more confused) You named him Connor?! You BLEEP!
ANGEL: Is a great name. An BLEEP Irish name!
DARLA: I donít like it. And ditto Steven.
HOLZT: (Smiling) Real suffering awaits you now that youíre back.
(Darla rolls her eyes and walks away from the camera. Thereís sounds of fight and struggle and suddenly she enters the stage, looking around. Her captions reads: *Connor/Stevenís mother. Back from the really dead people_again.)
DARLA: (To Holzt) Care to tell me that on my face?
(The whole Angel Investigations gang is on fighting positions, as well as Justine and security. Wesley and Holzt just glare at the blonde. Connor?Steven looks from her to Angel to Holzt.)
HOLZT: (Standing up slowly) Youíre going to regret the instant you were brought back. Iím ready to make each eternal day an unliving hell for you, for Angelus, and for those you both hold dear. Revenge is a dish...
DARLA: Boy, Holzt! What happened to you? Beauty sleep wasnít that effective? You look terrible. and those bags under your eyes.... you need some caffeine and Preparation H, stat!
(Connor/Steve looks more confused by the minute. Darla takes advantage of everybodyís distraction to draw a knife from under her top and lunge at Holzt. Connor/Steven stands between them. Darla stops and smiles.)
DARLA: (Smiling gently) My Dear Boy, how are you? (She raises her hand to touch him. He frowns but doesnít stop her.)
ANGEL: (Muttering) I thought *I* was your Dear Boy...
HOLZT: Kill her, Steven! Sheís a monster. She turned your sister into a vampire. Remember?
(Darla gives Holzt a killing look before looking at the boy. She gives him her trademark coy smile and sweet look.)
DARLA: So, how are you, baby?
(Angel moves closer, ready to attack if Darla attempts something.)
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Taking a step back, looking around for stakes) Um... Fine.
DARLA: Thatís a pretty necklace youíre wearing.
(Connor/Steven looks down at the ear dangling from a leather strip. He smiles.) I cut it from an evil man, he killed the girl I loved.)
DARLA: Really? How?
HOLZT: Son, make her show you her true face.
(Connor/Steven is about to say something when a production assistant moves closer to Jerry, carrying a shopping bag. He whispers something to Jerry and hands him the back.)
JERRY: Angel (holds up the bag) Did you ask *my* people to get you this?
ANGEL: (Smiling) Yes! (He takes the bag and offers it to Connor/Steven) For you. Please accept it.
(The boy frowns as he takes the bag and slowly takes a peek in. He pulls out a pair of faded jeans and a blue t-shirt)
CONNOR/STEVEN: You want me to change?
(Angel, the rest of the gang and most of the audience agrees. Connor/Steven looks at Holzt for advice, but heís too busy having a new killer-staring contest with Darla. Connor/Steven shrugs and proceeds to change his clothes_ right on stage.)
ANGEL: (looking away) I thought the parent was the one to embarrass the kid.
CORDELIA: (Trying very hard not to look) Welcome to parenthood.
ANGEL: Remind me again why the BLEEP are we here.
CORDELIA: It was either this or opening yourself up with a therapist.
ANGEL: Iím kinda afraid I might end up in therapy after all. Just talking to you makes me crazy.
(Cordelia just glares)
ANGEL: The good kind of crazy.
JERRY: I think this is a good time for another commercial break.
(Along came a Spider-Man, starring Morgan Freeman, Monica Potter and Tobey Maguire as Peter *Spidey* Parker. Not coming to any theater near anyone.)
(By now Connor/Steven has finished changing, still wondering why the audience kept hooting and saying funny things about his naked body. During the brief onscreen time, his private parts had been tastefully blurred for the TV audience.)
HOLZT: (Realizing what had just happened) Steven, get back here! (He grabs a chair and breaks it, holding one broken leg for the boy and one for himself.) Letís finish this, once and for all.
(Connor/Steven quickly agrees. Justine grabs another leg and walks towards Darla. Angel intercepts her and hits her with another chair.)
(A fight begins, and the robbed creature from security doesnít know where to start. Jerry moves away and crosses his arms after his requests of peace had been bleeped and rejected. Security guards try to stop the fight and end up flying to the wall, courtesy of Darla and Connor/Steven. The boy tries to take on her mother and Angel intervenes, receiving a punch in the stomach for his help. He staggers backwards and knocks over Sahnjanís urn. Everybody stops fighting and watch as the urn rolls the couple of steps on the stage and doesnít stop until it crashes at the feet of a camera. Empty.)
JUSTINE: Where the BLEEP did he go?
(They all look around, ready to face the demon. Connor/Steven starts to say something when Jerry interrupts.)
JERRY: And weíre out of time! now for a final thought. (He looks into the camera) Family is more than just blood. Is about love and obedience and loyalty. If your child is not like that, maybe is better from you to let him go, or better yet, sent him to another... Arghh!Ē (He looks down at the leg chair protruding from his chest.) Oh, BLEEP!Ē
(He falls to the floor, dead. Connor?Steven stands nearby, smiling. Angel rans and kneels next to the body, hoping thereĎs something they can do.)
(Everybodyís speechless... until Angel pulls at Jerryís face_ a mask, revealing Sanhjanís features.)
FRED: Sanhjan is Jerry Springer?
LORNE: It explains a lot actually.
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Proud of himself) I knew he didnít smell human! And the urn smelled like him and...)
DARLA: (Whoís knelt besides Angel and is licking her finger after passing it around the wound) Tastes just like chicken.
DARLA: Want to start a fight, Blondie?
ANGEL: There will be no more fights. (He looks at Connor/Steven) Look, I know is hard for you. Yes, your mother and I are vampires. And yes, we BLEEP Holztís family. But I didnít have a soul at the time. And Darla... Well, sheís still a vampire, I think.
(Darla vamps out. Yep, they brought her back as a vamp this time)
ANGEL: But that doesnít mean sheís never cared about you! I mean, she killed herself so you could be born.
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Looking at Holzt) She did? You never told me that.
HOLZT: It doesn't matter now. Look at her!
(He does. Darlaís still on full vamp face)
CONNOR/STEVEN: (After a while) She doesnít look so bad. It feels.... oddly comforting.
ANGEL: (Grinning) I used to make funny faces at you with my vamp face. You loved it.
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Still not buying it) Really?
ANGEL: Yes. I can understand you donít trusting us with Holztís ideas. But I love you. And Iím want to get to know you.
(Connor/Steven thinks about it. He looks at Darla, who shrugs)
DARLA: Barely know you. Plus the whole Iím-evil deal. Donít expect a lot of love from me. (Holds arms in front of her) But I could give you a hug.
(The boy seems a little hesitant. Angel looks nervously at Darla, then at Justine.)
ANGEL: You know, Connor. When you think about it, Justine could have been your mother. Who do you think would had been better?
(Connor/Steven looks from the orange-haired woman to the blonde vampiress, trying to decide what to do. He looks at Holzt, whoís nodding towards Justine. Finally, he walks towards Darla and gives her a forced hug. The audience awwws.)
HOLZT: What the BLEEP? Did I not teach you anything?
CONNOR/STEVEN: (Looking at Justine) She scares me.
CORDELIA: She does look kinda creepy. More Mistress of Pain than Mrs. Brady.
WESLEY: And she slit my throat and left me to die on the park the night she kidnapped you.
JUSTINE: I already said Iím sorry!
CONNOR/STEVEN: Ok, enough! Youíre all a bunch of BLEEP BLEEP...
(Before he can go on, Darla slaps him)
DARLA: What a filthy mouth! Is that the kind of vocabulary Holzt taught you?
(He doesnít answer. Holzt walk away, calling his son)
DARLA: (To Connor/Steven) Go with him.
ANGEL: What are you...?
DARLA: (Ignoring him) Go, Connor. Weíll talk later.
(She gives a kiss on the cheek and a smile. The boy walks away, a little reluctant.)
DARLA: (Once heís gone) Weíre getting him back.
ANGEL: How? Iím sorry to burst your bubble, Darla, but he loves Holzt and hates us. Nothing we can do about...
DARLA: Oh! what a guilt-tripping chicken! Didnít you see his reaction when he saw me? A little more sugar and heís ours!
ANGEL: What about Holzt?
DARLA: Weíll fight him with the greatest evil of them all... lawyers! Lindsey will get us full custody.
ANGEL: Lindsey left Wolfram and Hart.
DARLA: Even better! I didnít like that firm anyway. HeĎll do better solo. (Taking his hand) Come on. Weíll find ourselves our good country lawyer to get our kid back.
(They start leaving, the gang following, still trying to accept the fact that Darlaís back, as a vampire, and on their side, sort off. Wesley leaves through the other end of the stage)
ANGEL: I donít get it. You told me you couldnít love him once he was out of you.
DARLA: He can grow on me, like a little jasmine. And besides, I get to BLEEP Holzt again. It will be fun. Oh, and did I mention the possible bonus of you achieving a moment of bliss once you have your family back and turn back evil?
ANGEL: (Thinking about it) That will never happen.
DARLA: A gal can dream, canít she? Now just relax, and focus your energy on finding Lindsey.
ANGEL: speaking of that, is it me, or does Connor look more like lawyer-boy than me?
(They leave. After a few seconds Lorne comes back.)
LORNE: (To the audience) I thought it would be wrong leaving you people without a final thought. Jerryís Springer/Sanhjan is gone, so Iíll try to help here: Family is important, no mother how murderous or broody they can be, parents love their kids, most of the time, and... (Sights) This isnít working, how about a song instead?
(He starts performing *Lady Marmalade* to the delight of the audience. The end credits show him giving an encore of *IĎm your Boogie Man* and the audience clapping)